Ketchup

Much is made of food. In reality, we make food simply to have a socially acceptable way to get condiments to our mouths (can you imagine the looks you would get after sucking down a mouthful of yellow goodness from the mustard container?) If you don't believe me, go open your fridge, look in the door and ask yourself how many bottles of whatever is there. Personally, three of the four shelves in my refrigerator door are dedicated to condiments - Hoisin sauce, soy sause, three types of mustard, worcestershire sauce, teriyaki sauce, two types of BBQ sauce, a bunch of sauces I don't remember, and of course, KETCHUP (red gold, Kentucky steak sauce, whatever you affectionately call it). I love ketchup. As such here is a Jim Clark original. I have never actually tried it because I think it is heresy but if you are desperate...

McClarkie's Ketchup

- One freshly used Ketchup bottle (Heinz, preferably, so that there is a lot of stuck-to-the-side-why-won't-it-come-off residual red gold)

- 1/2 cup water

Add water to Ketchup bottle, replace the cap and shake like Bill Clinton on Judgement Day.

There you go. You now have a 1/2 cup of ketchup, somewhat watery ketchup, but ketchup none the less. It probably even still kind of tastes like ketchup. Dad used to do this all the time when I was young. It still gives me nightmares.